I honestly have thought of writing another post for almost a month, but I think I put it off because writing always makes me think through things. A lot of times, I'd rather not think. It's easier that way. I don't really have a lot to complain about really. The last few months I have been blessed with quite a bit of what I have asked The Lord for. I've got word from Social Security that I was approved for SSI (Social Security Income) and with that comes limited medical coverage. I was found to be medically disabled, but was denied regular Disability Benifits with a lifetime of Medical Insurance because of a technicality. We are going to appeal, but I am grateful that in the meantime, I have been blessed with the coverage I've got. At least I can get the ball rolling, and hopefully get the surgeries on my knees that I need to be able to walk again.
Oh how I miss walking. It's funny how you can miss something so natural to your body. Walking is like breathing. It's something that you just expect your body to be able to do. It's something you don't really think about. You just do it. When your ability to walk is taken away, it feels like your mind and body are in constant conflict. I can't tell you how many times I wake up in the middle of the night, go stand up to walk, and get a shooting pain up my legs instead. Brutal reminder, I think to myself. As frustrating as it is, deep down I thank my Heavenly Father that it isn't permanent. I have the opportunity to someday be able to walk again. So, for now I just try to keep the picture of myself walking on the beach with my family, and riding rides at Disneyland. Those pictures are what keep me going.
I am finding that with the good comes the bad. I am covered insurance wise, but I am experiencing some anxiety over actually taking steps to surgery. For so long everything was at a stand still. I couldn't see any doctors regarding my knee problems because we simply couldn't afford it. Now that that obstacle is out of the way, it's time to make those appointments and face the fears. What exactly will it take to get me walking? What treatments will I have to start to control my RA? What will physical therapy be like? Will the doctors treat me like a person, and not like another case needing to be solved? All of these questions are bouncing around in my head making me crazy. Well, I suppose I will know soon enough. Nothing is going to stop me from reaching my goals. I have to make this happen for me and most importantly my family.