Here I am at 1:39am. Lying in bed listening to J snore and Muffin quietly stirring in her bed via the baby monitor. She is 4... I think to myself. Why do I insist on still peeking in on her in the quiet of the night as if she was 4 months old. As I sit here in this dark quietness, I can't help but be conflicted by my thoughts of thankfulness and my thoughts of fear and dread. I am thankful for my little family who is for the most part happy and healthy, my home, my faith. It's hard to focus on those things though when my life is so filled with fear of things unknown. So many things are up in the air for me right now. When will my suffering end? Will it end? Will I ever get my life back? Will I ever be the person I once was? When will I get the surgeries I desperately need? These are all questions that go through my mind all day every day. The questions that get me really upset sometimes though is: " Why must I suffer? , I have the faith...why won't Heavenly Father heal me?, What am I supposed to be learning from this? ... All of these questions, and not many answers. It's hard to live with no answers. I feel ignored, alone, and scared. I sink down down down into my own little world inside my head... I feel the sadness, the darkness...the fear of the unknown.
When I am in these dark places, something miraculous always happens. J comes home to lift my burden, or the sunlight shines just perfectly on Muffin's sparkling blond hair and she smiles... And I am pulled back into the light...the happy, fluffy, dance on a cloud joy that only my Father in Heaven can bless me with. In those moments, I know he sees me. He knows me. I am not ignored or alone. He knows just what I need in that very moment. Even though subtle like a whisper ... It is still proof to me that my Heavenly Father loves me, and that's the only answer I need to get though this.