Monday, August 12, 2013
The Mommy of My Dreams
I think the hardest part of this whole experience is not being able to be the kind of mom I'd like to be. It is my testimony that I have been called by a loving Heavenly Father to be a Mom to this little girl we call Muffin. I have been trusted to raise her, and help this beautiful soul blossom into the person she is meant to be. The only thing is my plan for this whole mothering thing was the polar opposite of what The Lord had planned for our lives. So, I decided a while ago to start writing Muffin a letter every Sunday. So when she is older, she can read these letters from her mom, and know how much I love her. I have decided to share one of these letters on this blog to inspire other Moms out there with RA or even those who don't, to write in a journal or just write. It has been such a great outlet for me to express my feelings. So with that being said, here is my letter:
My Dearest "Muffin",
This morning you came in our room and yelled,"SNUGGLE!", then crawled into my fluffy white comforter with me. You snuggled right up to me so close I was startled when I felt your ice cold feet on my leg. These are the times I cherish. I file these memories under "THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MOTHERHOOD" in my mind. You are so sweet and pure, especially first thing in the morning when you are freshly rested and happy. It was church day today. So after we snuggled I got you ready for church. You wore your new pink dress with daisy flowers all over it. I looked at you all dressed up and thought... She is perfect... To myself as you showed me you could twirl. I love seeing you so carefree and full of life. As you know I have been pretty sick lately. As I lie in bed I feel much like a spectator in my own life. Little moments like this morning watching you twirl are like little pieces of heaven for me. It was like time slowed down in that very moment, and everything was slow motion. I drank in every detail. How you spin on your tippie toe, how your new pink dress ruffled and flew up, and the sun caught your blonde hair and seemed to dance on every strand making it sparkle and shine. Those are the moments that keep me strong. My love for you is what keeps me fighting and happy to do so. So thank you sweet muffin. You are the reason I get up in the morning.
Love Forever and Ever,
Here is a little poem I wrote for you today:
The Mommy of MY Dreams
Oh little precious child of mine
Can you ever know my love for you?
To give you everything your little heart wishes,
Oh the things that I would do.
Will you ever know how my heart breaks
when you ask me to dance or play.
I cry inside and beg Father in Heaven
To give me more strength today.
In my dreams I can run, and jump and play
Even go down some slides
I can hug you real tight when we say goodnight
And give endless piggy back rides.
I hope you can see this disease is not me
I'm going to fight this each day
The mommy of MY dreams...someday I'll be
And that's how Im going to stay