Thursday, January 15, 2015

  So I'm sitting here on the side of my bed typing in the dark and its late. Like so many nights before I can not sleep. So, I thought I'd take a minute to update everyone on what has been going on lately. 
  So most people know this, but I found out a couple months ago that I am pregnant! Surprise! Yeah I am so excited, and I feel so blessed to be able to bring one more baby into our family. For so long I thought this RA was going to take everything from me, but my body has become well enough to house another sweet spirit. I had to go off of most of my medications, and I was doing really well for a while, but my RA symptoms have since come back full force. I have a lot of anxiety sometimes, because I kind of feel like I've taken huge steps backwards when it comes to the control of the RA. I am swelling in every joint, and so so stiff, and don't even get me started on fatigue. I can't go out as much as I used to because of the pain, and well it has just become really difficult, but here's the honest truth... I am so thankful we are expecting that I can't really complain. I only have to be off my RA meds until the baby is born then I can go back on, and hopefully I can proceed with my life. If dealing with my RA for a few months is what I have to do for this baby then I am okay with it. So I am almost 13 weeks and just started my 2nd trimester. Jas and I went to see the doctor this last week and saw a tiny little hand waving at us on the ultrasound. My gosh what a blessing. I have had a hate/hate relationship with my body for years, but it is very eye opening to realize what miracles my body is able to achieve. I am starting to have a new respect for my body, and I am thankful that it is able to create this amazing baby. I truly am so grateful. So as far as pregnancy symptoms, I have the typical nausea, fatigue, moodiness, etc, and I am craving some crazy stuff. The sight and smell of most meats makes me sick. Everything but breakfast sausage, and chicken sets off my yuckies! A while ago I ate grapes with maple syrup a lot which was heaven, and also I am craving apples, and really craving oranges and orange juice like mad crazy! I also am in LOVE with Jimmy John's sandwiches! So thankful one just opened up next to my house, and it even has a drive through! Score for the hubby! My doc says everything is going well, but next week I am going to meet with a Perinatal a doctor (aka high risk doc). My OBGYN says he wants to bring in the high risk doc just to monitor my RA while I am prego. That makes me feel really secure to have a team of docs on my side, and also that means I get more ultrasounds! What momma doesn't want that right? I can't believe this is happening. It's going to be tough taking care of a newborn from a wheelchair, but I am confident I can do it mainly because I know I won't have to do it alone. I am grateful for loving people who surround me and my hubby is seriously amazing and helpful. So I am so excited!
Anyway,  its been so long since I have updated this blog. I always put it off for some reason. Well I think one of those reasons is this is the place where I actually take the time to think about my life, and put it into words. Truthfully, things for me can get pretty difficult, and so I put of writing here so I won't have to face the truth about things sometimes. Ignorance really is sometimes bliss you know. When you are going through something hard it is easy to get wrapped up in the day to day things and not think about the huge elephant that follows you everywhere. For me that huge elephant is my RA. I have looked back on my recent posts, and I have to say I seem kind of whiny. I complain a lot about how hard my life is. The truth is yes, my life is really hard. And even though I do have to deal with a lot of health stuff the average person doesn't have to worry about, I'd have to say that I've learned that everyone has something they have to deal with in their lives. Physically I am really struggling, but I am so very blessed in most all other aspects of my life. I have a husband who loves me, and is so supportive and kind. I have a beautiful and sweet as sugar daughter that delivers to me her contagious shining smile and happy attitude. I have the most amazing, loving and supportive friends, and family. These are the things that matter most to me, and that is something that RA can never take away from me. Truth is, whether you have RA or not, I have found that we all can relate to each other, because we all have trials. We all have things that happen to us that rocks us to our very core, and makes us question everything. I believe that is why God gives us trials. I believe God knows us better than we even know ourselves. We are his children. However, I believe trials help us come to know ourselves. Being diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis was so scary for me, and it has put me in positions in life that brought me to the lowest of low places. When I was in those low places, I remember praying with every part of my very soul asking Heavenly Father to PLEASE take this from me, to heal me to make me whole again. I had the faith, and I knew he could, but I felt like nothing as happening. I felt alone, and depressed, and just plain sad. Then something happened one day that I will NEVER forget. I was home alone, and I was going back to bed from using the restroom. My nightgown got caught under one of my crutches, and I fell flat on my face. I immediately started to cry out, and say "WHY??? Why Heavenly Father is this happening to me?" As I sat there for a few minutes in the silence I decided that crying wasn't going to help me. So I pulled myself together, and I thought I'd try praying again, and this time I would ask for something different. I asked for help. I asked for strength to get myself up. Then as I said Amen, I calmed right down and got an immediate feeling of confidence. I used my arms to drag myself to my bed then somehow, someway, I had the strength to pull myself up on my bed. I sat there on the edge of my bed, and sobbed. Thanking my Heavenly Father for the help. For the first time in months, I felt him, and knew I wasn't alone. 
   So that day, I learned that the Lord was with me all along. I just didn't want to see it. I was too angry and depressed to see him working in my life. I was also asking for the wrong things. I was asking for an instant fix, to have this disease and trial suddenly and miraculously disappear. What would I have learned about myself if the Lord gave in to my requests? What I should have been asking for was the help to get through it, and for the strength to overcome it, and most of all to be able to see the blessings I have been given. The whole time I thought God left me alone, when in reality he was working one on one with me, and teaching me just how strong he knew I was. It's like that Garth Brooks Song that says, "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

1 comment:

  1. Love it through and through. Thanks for sharing, especially at the end. Chronic diseases (esp debilitating ones) tend to leave ya asking those questions and feeling hopeless. The perspective of praying for strength is so true!! Awesome post and I'm excited that you get another. :) love ya!! Kali